What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 00:30
So, i spoilt her more .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
What did i know ?
Put me off passion for life!!
Have you ever been physically attacked by a demon?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
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He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
All the time i was locked up.
Who then, do I blame.?
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Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Why do men find women with bigger buttocks attractive?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
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She loved him until the end.
But it wasn’t much.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Comes on , in middle age.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was very sick at this time too.
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Ive learnt so much.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I don,t even have a pension.
Would this be the day?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was 9 years of age.
I waited trembling.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
He knew the spot.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
When she asked me how she looked .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
We were not on the streets..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
She was in good health!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One cannot live in the past .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I said to her
I was seconnd youngest,
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So whats the point in blame.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My life is so biszare .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She wouldn,t have been !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
It was going to be , some day.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She found it foreign!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She married twice! .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I was scared of men, in general
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is soul school!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I write beautiful poetry .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I never cut or harmed myself..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But, we were locked up after school.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And i lived it daily.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I will be 64.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).